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"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

"Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."

"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

"Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."

"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."

"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."

"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."

"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."

"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"

"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."

"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"

"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."

"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."

"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."

"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."

"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."

"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."

"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."

"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."

"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."

"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."

"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."

"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."

"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."

"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."

"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."

"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."

"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."

"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."

"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."

"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat."

"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."

"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."

"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son."

"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal."

"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit."

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."

"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."

"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."

"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."

"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?" (Show airs tonight! 830/730c CBS)

"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"

Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole."

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."

"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."

"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit."

"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."

"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."

I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."

"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."

"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."

"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"

“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."

"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."

"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."

"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."

"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."

"I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth."