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It's always sad when a comedian gets old and isn't funny anymore. Few avoid this. But what if there was a comedian who not only didn't lose it, but instead became funnier everyday, every day until his last. There was one. And now there is not. Bob Einstein is gone. I loved him.

Neil, there is a logic flaw in your little aphorism that seems quite telling. Since you and I are part of the Universe, then we would also be indifferent and uncaring. Perhaps you forgot, Neil, that we are not superior to the Universe but merely a fraction of it. Nice day, indeed

I used to think Dave Chapelle was the next Pryor. Now I think he’s the next MLK. Very proud to count you as a freind, Dave.

I like Andrew Yang the best because I'm a big fan of 1000 dollars. Always have been.

Pray for the speedy recovery of the President and the First Lady. If prayer is beyond your moral scope, then at least find it in your heart not to laugh.

What terrifies me is if ISIS were to detonate a nuclear device and kill 50 million Americans. Imagine the backlash against peaceful Muslims?

I don't know this celebrity was who sang "Imagine" online so the elderly ones who are dying agonizing deaths can be assured by a smug celebrity that there is no heaven. God, celebrities are idiots. Shame.

It's morally wrong for me to do stand-up and cause strangers to possibly become sick. And now, with this virus, it seems even more wrong. I'm postponing my next two gigs, but am hopeful a vaccine comes that protects us all from Tom Hanks Disease (THD).

Klobuchar said the vaccine for the corona Virus is in some kid's head in West Virgina. Find this goddam kid. NOW!!!!!!!!

Just turned on the debate to hear Bernie rail against childhood poverty. I'm no economist but aren't all children broke?

Hey, OJ, it's Norm. Listen, be careful about the videos you put out there. I recognize the golf course behind your house I know that exact street and could easily print your address. Of course I never would, but others would. Be careful, Juice.

Hey, did Jeffrey Epstein commit suicide? He was on suicide watch. Impossible. was he murdered by his rich and powerful freinds?

Fred Willard was a good friend of mine. I cast him in the show and he was something to watch. Some comedians say outrageous thing in a boring way, others say boring things in an outrageous way. Fred could somehow be hysterical by saying boring things in a boring way.

a man is a coin, no obverse without reverse. If you like, remember Jeff Epstein as monster, destroying lives with a wicked nonchalance. But, for me , I will remember him as the man who killed Jeff Epstein.

At times, the joy that life attacks me with is unbearable and leads to gasping hysterical laughter. I find myself completely out of control and wonder how could life could surprise me again and again and again, so completely. How could a man be a cynic? It is a sin.

Norm Macdonald Has A Trailer

I haven't thought of that old son of a b-sting in well over twenty years. hope he is well.

Andrew Yang is not in the debate? He is the only candidate addressing problems of the future, such as the increasing vulnerability of our social media. To underscore this point, I plan on hacking Mr. Yang's twitter-feed to live-tweet tonight's debate. Signed, Captain Midnight.

I will give my full endorsement to Andrew Yang and do whatever is in my power to help him winz On one condition. That he becomes my close personal friend. The ball id in your court, Andrew.

He's not responsible for 200 thousand deaths, but you already know that.

Hey, is it just me or do these people NOT like Donald Trump?

Scripture. Faith. Grace. Christ, Glory of God. Smart man says nothing is a miracle. I say everything is.

Roseanne and Louis have both been very good friends of mine for many years. They both made terrible mistakes and I would never defend their actions. If my words sounded like I was minimizing the pain that their victims feel to this day, I am deeply sorry.

The sad thing is even if you double the minimum wage, it will remain the minimum wage.

Biden is out shaking hands and kissing babies. Sadly, over the weekend, the former Vice President was spotted kissing a hand and shaking a baby.

Hey, Shane, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel. The work it takes to get that show and to have it snatched away by some guy who does "Spoken Bird" poetry. Unacceptable. Please DM me, pal, when you have a moment. I'm so sorry.

They didn't get Joe Rogan but they got a UFC fight.

"Take off, eh". Bob and Doug directly before liftoff

Agreed

Warren says Bloomberg told a pregnant women to "kill it". Impossible to kill a fetus. Shame on you, Senator warren.

They keep saying, Can a woman win the Presidency. Are these people living in the 1950s. If, or should I say WHEN, a woman wins, think of how clean the White House will be. And it'll spell like chocolate chip cookies all day.

The night I was fired from SNL they had a dinner. Only one person stood up for me, doesn't know I know. I know. I love you, Molly Shannon.

My heart goes out to the family of Mr. Manson at this time.

Andrew, you are who we need. The year is 2020, and your vision is perfect!!!!!

Congrats, Doc. How wonderful. This is Norm Macdonald, just another comedian with a podcast. Please DM me if you would, sir.

I've been laughing a great deal the last few days as memories of my many conversations with Super Dave come to me. I knew him for 30 years and never called him Bob. People forget how incredibly funny the name itself is. "Super Dave". Think about it. So so funny. " Super Dave"

I'll be starting my youtube channel full time in a few weeks. Anyone with a youtube channel using material owned by me will be getting served soon.

Well, when..... when I had the chance to talk with, well you know what I mean, Trump wats to talk all the time but I spoke with salad, you know, Russian dressing.... I think my time is up. No? ok. Well, lets talk women. I Have a black woman, Campari Harrison, and ......... snore.

It was a historic night and my only regret was not being there live.But I was glued to my tv and was thrilled to be watching my heroes move on. Hard to believe its been 28 years. The best is yet to come. Congratulations to the greatest ever, the mighty Montreal Canadiens!

Remember, without compassion there can exist no morality.

I decide to watch all the comedy specials and I noticed that the comedians fall in 2 categories. Way overpaid (nearly all), way underpaid (nearly none). Interestingly the comedian who may be the most underpaid is The Peerless One, Chappelle.

This is fine news, indeed. It explains my self-loathing.

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

I am the only one who should interview the greatest, KANYE.

See you there, Andrew. I guess I should be calling you Andy now right?

How great is this joke.

This is absolute insanity. Andrew Yang MUST be allowed into this debate. Take a poll NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

Hey, guys I understand completely. When I finally understood the underpinnings of crypto, it was one of the most edifying moments. It is so deep, please dive in. I studied six months eight hours a day and what a joy. And I hope you get as lucky as I did as a result. Peace.

of course you know, this means WAR.

or 3) They are doing a joke you didn't get.

Firstly, I'm thankful for the fine ladies who Iive across this country and leave pies upon their windowsills so an old chunk of coal like me might have a meal from time to time.

When I see that little box beside "sex" on the census form I write, "as often as possible", and me and the census-taker have a big laugh, followed by a few too many swigs of grain alcohol followed by a spirited round of anal intercourse.

Wait, earlier you said The Great State of Kansas. Which is it, Mr. President?

Could someone help me with the math on this Covid. One case to 100K in 3 months, with shelter at home and social distancing. Now, we open. No shelter at home, no social distancing. what does 100K turn into in the same 3 months?

Bernie won't take money from the rich but he will take money from the poor. That's great!!!! Wait, what?

I'm thankful for women, the greatest creatures on earth. Because, without women, there would be no cookies.

And, finally, on a serious note, I am most thankful for friends. Yes, friends. Especially that one where Joey bought Chandler the duck

Very excited to report I have begun the process of adapting " Based on a True Story" into a film. I will report who will be collaborating on it with me and take you through the entire process. Peace, my brothers. And sisters. And sisters. I know. And sisters.

My prayers go out to Charles Manson and his family in this time of pain.

Respect!

Very true. Also, Irishman made the interesting choice of having the young Deniro and young Pesci shuffle around like old men and talk with old men’s voices, creating a fascinating dissonance that was never annoying. Not Goodfellas.

The idiot sees the world as Good vs Evil. The cynic sees the world as Evil vs Evil. The truth that no one seems able to see is that the world is, and always has been, a battle of Good vs. Good.

Neil, is this a scientific fact or is this just an opinion? i hope I don't sound combative, but this blunt aphorism you've come up with is merely a guess, right?

Netflix asked me to say on twitter that my comedy special is coming out on May the 9th and I kept forgetting. I just remembered a moment ago

Trump is always being criticized for dividing people. But what about King Solomon?

That’s so incisive, Bill, but you’d better stay in your lane and write about how Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an underrated gem. You know, your ridiculous job.

I am Thankful for the kindly ladies who leave pies upon their windowsills so an old chunk of coal like me might have a bite now and then.

Alice, honey, trust me. I'm a comedian and I listened to what he said. None of us consider it edgy at all, and Shane does not consider it edgy. It is only you, lady, who find it edgy. Now back to 1862 with you, where you can buy a slave, you racist.

Wow!!!! Just read about the suicide note left next to the body of Jeff Epstein. "Jeffrey will be unable to face these baseless charges, as he no longer is." signed Epstein's Mother.

Hollywood's tough on the living, but it sure does speak well of the dead.

It is a prayer that the President makes a swift recovery from this lethal virus, that's what this fucking bullshit is, Jason.

Thanks for everyone for your words of support. I am fine. Quite fine.

I am so sad to see that Boris Johnson will be gone within a few days, a week at the very latest. I always found him to be so erudite and so funny. I already miss him. BTW, no doctors are saying this so pray for the poor fellow.

Its a beautiful night. I love how funny the internet is. Funniest ever. And it is especially stupid tonight.

shut the fuck up. you don't know a goddam thing about stand-up comedy. You sound like a guy that would vote for Trump.

Missing Brody tonight. Think I'll go on youtube and find him.

Good point. Said it every week on national TV decades before Buzzfeed existed. just another example of fake news.

When you gonna get to me, get to me it is just a matter of Time, Corona M-m-m-m-m-m-my Corona Is it d-d-d-destiny, d-destiny Or is it just a game in my Mind, Corona? M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my Corona.

What a wonderful target, Gates. Let me guess? You tell them they have a job. and then the prank is, " You don't".

There is no one who can beat me at Fortnite. And I mean NO ONE!!!!!!!!

Hahahaha. That's a very important point. Let's not forget this woman is a director.

Neil, there is a logic flaw in your little aphorism that seems quite telling. Since you and I are part of the Universe, then we would also be indifferent and uncaring. Perhaps you forgot, Neil, that we are not superior to the Universe but merely a fraction of it. Nice day, indeed

At times, the joy that life attacks me with is unbearable and leads to gasping hysterical laughter. I find myself completely out of control and wonder how could life could surprise me again and again and again, so completely. How could a man be a cynic? It is a sin.