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Head shaking serious columnists. If one side votes essentially along party lines to do the right thing and one party votes to prevent it, that doesn’t mean the process is sadly partisan. It means one party is bad. (Cont’d)

Hey everyone who says voting doesn’t work. It works. It worked for them in 2016. That’s why we are here now.

Listen Hellboy. All my tweets start with “Listen Hellboy” starting now.

I don’t need to block you. I don’t need to mute you. You will disappear in my TL like rain on a gull’s wing. Time mutes you. Life blocks you

One time I was given a course of prednisone and I never ran faster on the treadmill and I actually started crying on the treadmill because I felt SO SO GREAT. "This must be what it's like to be normal!" I said out loud. I told my doctor about this and he told me to stop taking em

If you are doing what you love, it does not feel like work.

I ate with Bourdain. Probably 2004. He was big even then but he took time to sit with me in Chinatown to talk “weird” food for a magazine piece I was writing. He taught me that our “weird” is the world’s delicious. We ate chicken feet. The afternoon vibrated with life. RIP

Look. Everyone knows I’m an elite neolib centrist Warren loving snake. But if this list is true, I’ll flip a table over. It’s an imaginationless disaster and a self destructive, on purpose acid spit at Bernie, his supporters, the movement that IS and MUST BE part of this party.

I already knew that intense grief can numb you out. Your brain overloads with emotion. Now I know that happiness and relief can do the same. So I’ve been dazed out all day, and it’s only now that I can stop and really start to appreciate the FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING FUCKUP

I love Bob Odenkirk and hope he’s doing as ok as possible.

Just got my booster (thanks again, lifelong asthma) and so far my testicles are exactly the same size. I have another 9 minutes to wait in observation at this Walgreens, but I will KEEP measuring with my calipers and will KEEP you posted.

One thing I have do is train my head to stop trying to understand the broken brain and feces storm of incompetence that leads to FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING. But I truly would watch a 9 part documentary on JUST THAT.

The VP traditionally doesn’t have much to do once in office, but Walz could just do open phones every week answering dad questions: how to put chains on your tires, where the septic tank is, bridge construction trivia, etc

I am saddest first for the victims in LV & their families. My 2nd sadness is that there is no promise we can make them that isn't now false.

Oh. Was that uncivil? Here’s something nicer but equally true: One party is openly enthralled to a couple of really bad humans. The rest are merely bad faith sycophants and cowards. All of them value power more than the country or its constitution.

It's May 1! Texas is open for biz! The Mayor of New York is on the radio thanking god for May, the month of hope! The month we will turn the corner! Because they know the science: viruses definitely are aware of the Gregorian calendar and do not fuck with our wishin'!

Why not just say “invented the word processor and thus fundamentally changed the course of tech, business, and life in the 20th century?” Why all this “she freed the hassled career gal!” language? And isn’t there a word missing in this headline? B- first draft. Rework & resubmit

For a certain style of Trump supporter, causing imaginable pain and trauma to brown families at the border is the whole point.

More dank memes and crypto evangelism I presume

Wipe that smiley off your face. This is not a joke or a game. Everyone in comedy knows this. Even if they don’t agree with me. Don’t paint us as glib opportunists just because the news is.

Oscars without host is the best Oscars ever.

Zero of them would tolerate this if they were not already in power. They only tolerate it because their fantasy is perpetual power for themselves. AND SOMETIMES DREAMS COME TRUE. Especially if serious head shakers refuse to describe truthfully what they know is happening.

The Biden victory felt like a spell breaking. The news just went ahead finally and started calling DJT a dangerous liar and a threat to democracy. But now we're a couple of days out, and headlines are starting to revert to "he's a scrappy fighter." This is gross. Call it out.

I just want one photo of McConnell sitting on the floor of the bunker as he hides from the terrorists in his own party and then gets the notification on his phone that Ossoff won.

You all are not wrong that the system is pretty rotten. But if you abandon the system, the rotten will be very happy to use it. That’s pretty clear.

1. Here's what seems plausible to me. Trump just likes Flynn. Thinks he's just a good white dude.

Trump in his "Let's just do it and be legends" phase of his Fyre Festival.

Imagine if Obama had created an unaccountable, nameless/badgeless federal police force to disappear citizens into unmarked rental cars, how quickly would the right call it “an unaccountable, nameless/badgeless federal police force,disappearing citizens into unmarked rental cars”?

The sun rose where I am. I spent the night not sleeping in my hotel room. It was dark and slow and lonely. I had thought if it happened it wouldn’t be as hard as last time. Because it would be less of a shock. But it was harder, actually, and for the same reason. No one went

I love my friends who are with Bernie & I love & will support him (or whomever) of course of course. But Warren has always been my candidate and I don’t feel like being shy about it. F. Leonard makes the case & I am grateful. I love him & if you disagree I get it. I love you too.

And they won’t say what they know is happening because they love power too, or at least the damp farts of power that they get to breathe by standing next to actual power. Ok listen to my podcast etc.

I’m not perfect, but I would happily be judged for who I was and what I did when I was 17. A huge, terrified Whovian weirdo. But if there is something I did that was wrong, that I don’t remember, please let me know and I will own it and try to atone.

Attn Alex Jones

Listen Hellboy: I guess it’s probably unconstitutional for Biden to name the TikTok/Kpop teens as his running mate, but I would have really liked to see them debate Mike Pence.

Resign. Resign in shame. Go to the deepest hole with the photos of the dead and never come out.

"I'm a Christian, a Conservative, and a Republican in that order. But before those, I'm a cowardly lickspittle w/ molded action figure hair"

The rules were you guys weren’t going to fact check.

It’s hard not to conclude that some kind of decision has been made at The NY Times part 2

You are to blame. You. It’s you. You’re in league with domestic terrorists. You are the bullshit.

Do you think perhaps the selfie stick was not the real issue?

Every conviction of a non white person that Whitten secured when he was a prosecutor ought to be examined immediately.

I know it feels like FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING was 100 yrs ago by now, but I still think this documentary is timely.

This is devastatingly sad.

“Transgender operations on illegal aliens in prison” sounds like he was trying to wake up the Winter Soldier with random code words

Cast iron important reminder that we can repair what we have allowed to become gross and corroded. Vote.

The problem is that people are getting used to him.

I DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS FUCKING DAVID BROOKS COLUMN DO I?

“Look at that. Folgers. Remember that ad? I do. With the girl, and the brother comes home, and I don’t want to say it, but they were flirting very strongly. Very strongly. I find that interesting. Anyway, very attractive girl. Folgers. And there’s honey bunches of oats…”

Honoring the "geographical" middle of the (contiguous 48) United States is as dumb as 2 senators per arbitrary outline of a state. I love my Jeep, and I love you Bruce, but nope. Even if "the middle" is a legit virtue, a Christian chapel in Kansas is not where it is.

Their leaving without penalty is even more shameful than their smashing their way in.

Wordle 224 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Yesterday I saw a guy here who claimed he could predict the words. He posted a list. I tried to look away, but was too slow. I felt guilty and unclean. I hoped he was a crank. Today I am leaving my family and joining this guy’s cult in Belize. Goodbye.

I will be forever incapacitated by the mystery of what he thinks YMCA is about, but watching him inch down the stairs to “Young man/there’s no need to feel down” and imagining him thinking “That Village Person means me! I’m the young man!” is really sad and hilarious and fitting.

This glib fuck advertising being cheap without “looking cheap” plus Lizzie Post with her pre tax tipping should have their photos posted in the kitchens of every restaurant on earth.

And every journalist who wrote a wistful profile of so-sad Trump voters staring balefully out diner windows should go profile John Whitten as penance, because when evil is willing to go on the record, you need to listen and let the world hear it.

This is maybe the word of the year

“It’s time for healing. Any action you might take now is only going to divide us further.”

Here’s what I’m thinking about this morning. And if you’re a white driver without a record like me, you can think about this too. It's a thread!

Thinking about how the one thing that got him peek out of the White House basement for a minute was an opportunity to defend the reputation of white supremacists.

I have been John’s friend for 14 years. I have been hurt by him, and I have been cared for by him. Over those years I have admired and loved him, his character and his work deeply, and I have also been infuriated by his bad judgments

The curfew is a weapon.

I do not believe a ranting conspiracy theorist should sit on the Supreme Court.

Ok but how many vinyl records do you own? Do you like skateboards?

I guess anyone can enter the windows of the United States Capitol, fuck around in both chambers of Congress wearing cosplay, raid offices and steal shit, then go home, because it’s NBD. Good lesson. Have a nice break Congress.

Maybe she’s just trying to say a true thing so people (men) will listen, hear, and see it for once. Maybe she’s not trying to win some kind of schoolyard mind fight or score chummy debate club back pats. Maybe that framing is not just tiresome but part of the prob.

Respectfully, fuck off you quitter.

Wow. I accidentally wrote a novel while Instagram was down.

When are white leaders going to renounce their culture's obsession with violence?

I have a blue check again but I am not Twitter blue and I did not ask for this I cannot see my hands I am fading in and out between alternate dimensions help meeeeeeee

You come for the king, you best not miss.

This is my Yule log video.