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“Yo get that pic of him in the fedora to really sell the message”

Can we all agree as a society not to force the death sentence upon wild animals who attack those of us too stupid to avoid them? No, Karen you should not be trying to face tune the Jaguar.

Happy two year anniversary. Here's to us looking more alike with each passing year until we're a single beast with four arms and four legs that runs at a top speed of 50mph and screams like a baboon at nearby travelers trespassing into our woods. To many more!

If one more of you mentions the DaNiMaLs SwEePsTaKeS I’m going to OD on crushcups

I don't wear them, I use them as toilet paper

Glad holiday spirit is still more important than my penis.

And to make matters worse, that flyer didn't help our situation at all :(

Give your friend the signal u wanna leave by saying "I really fuckin hate it here please let's go now." They'll get it

say that to my fuckin face

Literally the poster children for virginity

Whoops, guess I'm not 14 and fat anymore

At least you can't see my third testicle

I have a confession. I once uttered a genuine laugh at the minions trailer. Just needed to get that out there in the world

Founding fathers? More like founding daddies 💦

Every man MUST have a flaw. That is why I don't trust Michael Bublé

On the bright side, McDonald's becoming fully robotic will probably mean we can get some damn ice cream after 7pm

Bored during your zoom meetings? Now you can have your very own “Unshaven Dylan” check in on you! Just set these as your zoom background wallpaper and WOW your friends with his love and support. Comes in SMOLDERING, HAPPY, and due to popular request, WORRIED!

Just to clarify since it’s not written on the damn bottle: no tear shampoo only prevents IRRITATION tears, not emotional tears

You don't have to watermark your spongebob meme that shit's not going down in history

My celebrity look alike

have you tried putting the plastic bags in a plastic bag

I just want to meet a flat earther in person once is that really too much to ask

Was the emoji gun really so provocative that it needed to be changed to a toy version?

you look like the young chick at the bar

IT IS WEDNESDAY MY DUDES

Always get a good laugh when hot people on Instagram use wishing their friend a happy birthday as an excuse to post a photo of themselves. “Happy Birthday to YOU, here’s a picture of ME!”

Happy Sunday! Get out there and eat the day's ass!

Maybe your Coachella outfit today should be your sunday best you pagan scum

I allowed you to split off of my cell, not steal my jokes

Most redheaded people say they have "thick skin" but I can very clearly see most of their veins.

you saw my bod didn't you squidward

Every Y you add onto "hey" is a different layer of depression.

Billions of cow titties are squeezed every minute for their nectar. I don't give a damn about your "religion"

You can't convince me these don't make the Squidward walking noise.

I don't usually do serious tweets, but thank you all for the kindness you've shown me the last few days.

Memes are like your sex life. Don't ever talk about them in public and no one cares for your preferences

If you're going to take away our internet freedoms will you at least grow a twirly mustache so we can identify your corruption?

No matter the context, shit’s getting crazy if the word “vortex” is used

The more I age the more I sympathize with the Grinch

The hard realization that growing older also means planning your own birthday party

It’s a shame that [STILL] within this industry so many talented actresses have to go through years of physically objectifying roles until they are comfortably accepting roles that the academy deems “ugly.” After which they are heralded as “brave” or “gritty”. Wth?

Trying to teach my dog to bring me a beer from the fridge but he keeps wobbling back with empty cans

Why do both male and female stray dogs always have saggy tiddies? What happens out there?

I messed up... but I'd be a fool not to own up to it. Got to move past it I suppose

can you be addicted to corn?

Look, I know it’s 1am...but don’t you dare talk about Miss Dolly Parton in that way or you’re on my shit list

Every time you think, "Why do Cole and Dylan do that with their hair?" Remember, we could have had a disney singing career. So you owe us

How much acid does one need to drop before designing a new mario game

I didn't think we needed a contract for this shit but if you are my friend it is your duty to tell me I have poppyseeds in my chompers

I dont wanna hear that shit about Sarah Jessica Parker looking horsey ever again, you shut your mouth she is a lovely woman and you are scum

Instead of thinking of the things that divide us, let’s believe in the things that unite us...like the fact that we all know marvel meme accounts are not funny

Japan doesn't need a military or navy because if N. Korea attacked Japan, millions of weebs would row over on their body pillows to defend

Damnit! I forgot to say happy birthday again! Next year :\

**sexy, soft voice in your ear** "Frick yup."

I have hope that 2018 is the year we finally put ventriloquism to rest

socks, crocs, and a whole lotta cocks

I will have full, hour long conversations with my dog but refuse to read even a page of a user manual

Showing a side by side of a tiny baby and their adult self is not a "glo up" that's just a "grow up"

Half beast half machine creatures stalk children on plains infested with giant rodents. The sun, a being of pure light has gained conciousnesss, both gibbering and wailing its existential nightmare like a dictator to the cyborgs below. This is the grimdark setting of teletubbies.

There's no more transparent an act of desperation than every beer company suddenly releasing a seltzer

How come all these soundcloud artists look like they’re having a “who can be the ugliest” competition

Stop hiring buzzfeed writers to make your tweets

How come baby monkeys can hold on for so long while this stupid human baby keeps falling off my back?

THANKS OBAMA

"SHUT UP GRANDMA I'M TRYING TO VAPE"

buy my danimals crush cups Cole

If you see a Looney Toon character spray painted anywhere in that neighborhood, you better fuckin' GET OUT

Memeing my way into a higher tax bracket

The scary possibility that more people have consumed flintstones gummies than have seen an episode of the flintstones

Real friends stab you in the front

Funny coming from a guy that picks his characters based on week one tier lists

If you're going to photoshop me in new pics, at least give me chest hair...

Somethin' to take the edge off

Billions of humans consume bean water every morning to stir them from slumber 🤔

You're lucky that one is already all over the internet....NOW THIS ONE WILL BE TOO. I will be the martyr

Just to clarify since it’s not written on the damn bottle: no tear shampoo only prevents IRRITATION tears, not emotional tears