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I'm starting to think maybe we shouldn't have built our whole country on an Indian burial ground

I don't know about you but I plan on staring directly at the sun

Be careful out there

No prob = no problem All good = continue as you are but you are dead to me

Love Valentine’s Day, love New Year’s Eve, love taking the SATs, just love high pressure situations and extreme expectations in general

Dogs should judge the dog show

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Can we check Best Actor again

Um, this feels personal

What a time to be half-alive

Don’t you love when the other person checks their phone and you’re like “don’t mind if I do”

If you want two men to have a heart to heart just put a microphone in front of them and tell them it’s a podcast

💔

Now what

Lock me up

Is applesauce the only sauce that people are supposed eat by itself?Please share widely

Sun Chips should have Vitamin D. That’s all I have to contribute to the world today

The world may not revolve around you, but the moon does

Happy Anniversary to Ryan & Kelly.

Not to go all Kanye, but: pepper doesn’t deserve to be on every restaurant table next to salt

“Welcome to our house. Here are the four nearly identical giant remote controls for the TV. This one has the power button, this one changes channels, this one is for volume, and this one we don’t know what it does”

An extra hour is the last thing I need right now

I must admit I will miss texting STOP so many times a day

Kids: skip your summer reading. No one is going to check. Read whatever you want

If you give me food in a container you will never get the container back, I don’t care if it is diamond encrusted Tupperware that has been in your family for generations

I have always and will always love Bob Saget.

I've decided to give up drinking for the rest of the night

“Did you unsubscribe by accident?” Just take the L

Remember to wash your hands with soap and water for twenty seconds. And, before biting an apple, rub it briefly on the shirt you’ve been wearing all day

I’m on my phone 16 hours a day? Great, that means I’m getting a solid 8 hours sleep

please don’t talk about me like this

I guess I'm a genius because I actually had a bad feeling about this guy quite a while ago

I miss the old Donald The Home Alone Donald

Enough with the QR code menus, seriously

Straight up brag if you ask me

Okay, this year’s over, I’m calling it

I could live on bread alone

No romaine lettuce? You don’t have to tell me twice

Vaping is bad for you? Now I’ve heard everything

Like we’re not all just going to be on our phones for this extra hour

It was so much fun, Bob. For everyone who knew you. It was just so much fun. You loved everyone and everyone loved you. And always will. You are still here.

A full moon on Halloween? Everything’s going right this year

wait... why was this not a storyline?! 💞

please give me five fucking minutes to respond to a text

so you’re telling me they had solid wifi on a space shuttle

Twenty more minutes of fly jokes guys, let’s keep it moving

Your writing keeps getting better with everything you do. I have one question: how dare you.

Plastic straws are wasteful. Paper straws are, too. Aluminum straws are expensive. But I know this much: we need some sort of tubing system

My phone can hold twenty hours of podcasts I forgot to erase but apparently not more than about six voicemails at the same time

If I win this 1.6 billion dollar jackpot and have to split it with like 20 people I’m gonna be so fucking pissed

Hit retweet if you are having trouble sleeping at night (going for a million retweets here)

They died doing what they loved, missing 3’s

Chip card readers are the hand dryers of financial transactions

My Delta flight is less than an hour which I believe means there will be a single unbroken stream of announcements

Dentists are obsessed with teeth

Idiots

12:34 is better than 11:11. How do we get this changed

WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE CUSTOMER COPY

It felt wonderful to be asked “how are you feeling?” this morning before I realized this was our production’s COVID coordinator and this was mandatory question

I am aware that it is almost impossible to tell you less about a show.

I will watch Squid Game when I watch Squid Game

The moon seems to have gotten a new PR team in the past couple of years

This is a president who loves – loves – saying inflammatory things to divide Americans

Dr. Crentist?

My top songs were bad

Why is “coffeehouse” music so soft & gentle? Shouldn’t it be trying to get you AMPED

Sending a Microsoft Teams link is an act of aggression

It’s confusing because the Warriors’ style of play feels cavalier and the Cavaliers play like more like warriors

If you're an American and you know the metric system you're a drug dealer

Do you ever break a plate at a restaurant just because you need applause

It is time for us as a society to talk about Scott’s Tots

I'll turn my car around

Good luck getting our attention today, ISIS

This Mother's Day, give your mother the gift of broadcasting your love for her on a social media platform she doesn't understand.

The greatest show in the history of television is Sesame Street

Want to hear something really crazy? All the Halloween stuff you see popping up already is for NEXT Halloween

I’m sick of fake people, with their 555 phone numbers

Soar, Loser

Thank you! I think Mindy looked great, too

Got worried for a second when I saw Elmo trending

I don’t mean to be cynical but sometimes it almost feels like Nabisco invented National Oreo Day

Tuesday is a day you will be asked about for the rest of your life. Don't say that you didn't make a choice.

I fucking hate Live Photos

Dogs should judge the dog show

To people sending me emails that I respond to & then get an "AUTOMATIC REPLY" to in response: Did you go on vacation in the past 5 seconds?